Close, attentive readers of this blog (and I’m sure you are legion) will have noticed that the last couple of months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me, even aside from moving and starting over in a new state. I’ve been in various stages of lovesick on this blog, and I let slip over at Roro’s that I’m in a long-distance relationship. Air Pollution went and unknowingly gave me the perfect opportunity to explain what the heck’s going on. He’s got an intriguing post on love and queerness, where he quotes both me and Winter confronting just that issue in a blog meme. What he doesn’t realize is that we’re talking about each other.
I met Winter back in May when I was traveling in the UK. I thought, since I was in the neighborhood, I’d say hi, we’d get some coffee, hang out, compare feminist notes. Apparently the Universe had other plans for me. I saw her in the train station in Cardiff and I knew I was in trouble. She was lovely, and warm and intelligent and I thought “Oh no, please, I don’t need this right now. This is really inconvienent.” Over 48 hours I tried desperately not to fall for her like a ton of bricks, and failed miserably. I tried to cleverly disguise my turmoil by alternating between blushing, tongue-tied stammering and inane babble (I remember sitting on her couch, trying to impress her by quoting Frank O’Hara and over-eagerly attributing it to Randell Jarrell. I’m still mortified by that). I panicked (we both did, as it turns out). This wasn’t supposed to happen. I didn’t want to fall in love. I was perfectly satisfied with the casual affairs I’d been having. This was not casual, this was overwhelming, “this was something huge, feelings taking the form of a hot, wet gas…and I had to move through it…wading through the fog of my heart”, as Michelle Tea put it.
So, like the mature, reasonable woman that I am, I left a note, skipped town and jumped on the next train to Liverpool. I didn’t know what else to do. So I’d keep traveling, keep busy, and I’d forget all about her and be fine. Which didn’t happen; I got home and I was still thinking about her. My poor friend Chanteuse has been my shoulder to lean on this whole time, urging me to confess how I felt (someone give that girl a medal). But I couldn’t see the point. Every time I’ve fallen in love it’s been unrequited and painful and why should this be any different?
This blog is usually my space to vent, but I didn’t have that any more. So when that meme came along, something had to give, and I posted my answers, against my better judgement. Winter sent me an email in response and…well, the rest is history. I’m almost unsettled by so much happiness, it’s a new experience, one I plan on getting used to. I’m not about to let a little water and some large landmasses get in my way. And while the physical distance is the biggest problem in our relationship at the moment, the blogs presented another twist. It’s a public platform, how do we negotiate this? What do we say, how much, and when do we say it? How does being romantically involved influence our blogging? It felt really odd, leaving these polite comments and then exchanging these long emails in private. So, when Air posted on his blog, we decided to take advantage of the opportunity.
ETA: Winter’s got her her side of the story up as well.