I swear, some day I’ll blog something other than the Sunday Smooch, but that day is not today.
This week, as promised, I’m writing an open letter to Kate Winslet.
You’re awesome. You’re a gorgeous, wildly talented actress with an impressive body of work (I even liked Titanic. Everybody thinks that movie was all Leo DiCaprio, but that’s so not true. It was the evolution of your character Rose that made the movie attractive. Leo was just some heterosexual wish-fullfillment.) Shoot, I even willingly endured Jane Campion’s weird crush on Harvey Keitel, yet again, for you in Holy Smoke. Which, as a movie, kinda blew, but you were cool in it.
So, yeah, I’m a big fan, but I have just one tiny little request. The next time you do a movie where you kiss a girl, could you please not rip off some dumb cliche?
Like in Heavenly Creatures, a classic Evil Murdering Lesbian story. Starts off with some nice adolescent smooching:
But then you go and beat your girlfriend’s mother over the head with a brick. Not what I’d call a “date movie.” (The fact that it’s a true story really only makes things worse).
But hey, you were pretty young in that movie, so I’ll cut you some slack. At least you don’t murder anyone in Holy Smoke:
Although you do have a nice make-out session….so you can rouse the attention and jealousy of Harvey Keitel. A) LAME — when did you turn into a sorority girl?, and B) EW. If you’re going to make out with a girl to get a guy’s attention, can’t it at least be someone like Johnny Depp?
Come on, Kate. You’re better than this. If there’s a movie out there with you girl-kissing without heinous consequences, I’ve yet to hear of it. But, there’s plenty of room for improvement. How about doing a film adaptation of Patricia Highsmith’s The Price of Salt? Or Jeanette Winterson’s Written on the Body (which is probably not filmable, but I’d see it anyway)? Everybody wants to “play gay” these days, it’s how you prove you’re a Serious, Edgy actor willing to tackle Challenging roles. So what have you got to lose? Call up Lena Headey. Maybe the two of you can collaborate.