Ganesh, Remover of Obstacles, appropriately enough, checks out my book stash.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes, folks! I was tellng Aphra that this was the best birthday I’ve had since I was nine, when me and 30 of my closest friends got hyper on cake and ice cream and skated the Hokey Pokey at the local roller rink (that birthday rocked).
As you can see, I’ve added to my reading pile. Brazilian Sister came in to visit and we had a blast. Seeing her always does me good; we had some good long discussions, and I came to realize that what I’ve been dealing with this past year (if not longer), is some form of general anxiety disorder and depression. The depression I was familiar with, and handling as best I could; but I was surprised to find it was anxiety underlying the depression. It’s kind of funny, because it’s a little bit like that moment when you first come out to yourself, and you think, “Oh. That’s what’s going on. Why didn’t I see this before? Everything makes sense now!” It’s almost certainly something I inherited from my mother, I’ve always figured she should be in therapy for anxiety anyway. There’s probably a physiological foundatiton for it—I’ve been hypoglycemic all my life, and whattya know, turns out hypoglycemia can cause anxiety and depression–in addition to lack of coping skills and emotional baggage.
I am, by the way, doing something all the above books say is a big taboo: self-diagnosing and self-treating. “You should always go to a professional MD first!!!” they shout, and I know they’re just covering their ass, legally speaking. But none of them offer any advice to those of us who can’t afford to go to a professional medical expert. I would really like to get some therapy to sort out my stuff, but it’s so completely out of the question right now.
But I’ve been reading up, and making some changes in my diet and my habits, getting some herbs, keeping up the yoga (thank goddess for it, otherwise I would have lost my mind a looooong time ago). Also, I’ve decided to go home. My lease is up at the end of November, Brazilian Sister wants me to housesit for three whole weeks in December, everything’s pointing back to the midwest. And if I’m going to sort this stuff out I need to be near my friends and family, and the familiar. I’m convinced that living in the desert is exacerbating, if not a part, of the problem. You wouldn’t tell someone with Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder to move to Norway; likewise, this climate and landscape is really, really bad for someone like me. My home state may be a poor, back-asswards, conservative area, but it has real trees, and rivers, and clouds, and four distinct seasons. I find myself daydreaming of the river iced over, and pine trees capped with snow.
And, which is the point of this whole long ramble, I’ve decided to stop blogging. For the time being anyway. I may be back (if so, it won’t be here, it’ll be a fresh start). I may not. I need to do alot of private journaling right now, and blogging requires energy and time I don’t have. I won’t disappear; I’ll show up in the comments at Aphra’s place and hopefully my blogging friends’ as well. So, I will see you all around, but not here. Blessed Samhain, everyone.